To be or not to be sexy while smashing another girls face in was the question over the weekend. I utilized my new-found love for football along with lopsided judgement to take initiative and try out for the Chicago Bliss. This team is known for bringing full throttle sports featuring muscular and aggressive women in lingerie to a super-dome near you. An international league that has gained a lil resistance from the feminist movement based on their lack of clothing in comparison to the NFL where you’re fully covered.
I took one of my closest friends Rayna Rain along for the ride to try out with me since she is in better shape than me. I figured since she is cute and can run they would pick her. I knew a sleepy head such as myself would need a little help to make it through this mini boot camp and when I told Israel Idonije (Chicago Bears) that I needed to start working out for it he suggested I use his “All Day Energy” drink in order to get by. I took his advice along with his instructions to “gulp it , don’t sip.”
I got some worn leggings, my halter with extra padding and was ready to go with some sneakers I’ve had since high school. Sorry, I’m too much of a heel girl. I arrived late as all hell due to a massive influx of random freight trains but nothing was going to get in the way of my destiny on this team. I was tagged number 44. I couldn’t find an ounce of symbolism for this number to save my life so I knew it was a lost cost but in the words of Mr. Idonije “Losing is a Part of Life! You’re Only a Loser if You Quit Fighting Despite the Situation, I Never QUIT, WE NEVER QUIT FIGHTING.” I got up to the mat introduced myself, took a few hits of my asthma pump and ran like hell across that field. I didn’t die after the first exercise.
Next, we had to do some squats and show off our ability to switch directions by running cone to cone but since I know NOTHING about what to wear when you’re super active I flashed everyone in close proximity of me as my leggings refused to stay up (thank God I had an amazing thong on so no one complained plus my ass looks great in general) . That slowed me down I’d like to think but I did ok. Then the devil came in and showed his face as I had to do push ups. I told the whole crew I haven’t done a push up since high school and as I laid on the ground I see why the hell I didn’t. I swear my arms grew faces and looked at me and said “this is rude, how dare you think we’re gonna pick your big ass up.” So I tried to do more than 1 push up but my arms (in my eyes) detached themselves from my body and walked to the car. This would explain this enormous amount of pain I felt afterwards. Ladies, if you want your boobs to perk up a little more try a push up. It’s a whole new world for me and I only did one. (well, to be honest I didn’t need help in that department but hey you can never go wrong with more perkiness!)
So, I was the joke of the day at the try out. I was still fully energized and ready to keep it going. This was out of character for me as I need a nap after I walk to the car from the house or anywhere over 5 blocks. I’m fat, I know it (signed up for weight watchers yesterday random). That was the only way I could see me becoming a plus size model but back to the story. I had to verbalize that I am a mere example of how awesome all of the ladies there were. I showed the bottom of being fit as I am nowhere near it and if you did more than 1 push up you should be happy. I served my purpose to make even the weakest ,myself, look good. Well, not really but hell they all knew that they could have done a lot worse in comparison to me.
And then came the hitting factor. No one wanted to step up and hit with me. They were to busy laughing. There were a few that were very encouraging and I loved it. So, someone stepped up to the plate. I thought of my favorite football player, the only one I can pick out in a lineup and acted like I was him and I did good. I got in trouble with the coach for apologizing for putting lo’ girl on her ass and I helped her up. He said that he would’ve finned me for that. “If they didn’t want to get sat down they shouldn’t step to you.” Well put sir. Then I had to run-a-pass and show how I would take out a QB. Lets just say the ground was calling that poor mass of nothingness.
The day ended and I was still amped as can be. I didn’t make the team but I did offer my excellent twitter services. The coach felt that was a much better fit. But I learned 3 things about myself out there on that field… 1. I can not give up 2. I sure as hell have a lot of confidence and 3. Skip a Red Bull man all Day Energy is Godly! Cheers to Hasan and Izzy. Y’all changed my life! Now let me go get this run in the hood over with. I see my abs in the near future. Look out Angela Bassett My guns are coming for yours!
Oh and as for the title… That’s my ode to men who think a vagina holds women back!